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September 12th, 2012,
worst jobs

By Alexander Diedrick

Many people today hate their careers. It doesn’t necessarily depend how much money they make or the fact that their life isn’t in jeopardy everyday – some people just aren’t content with their given occupation.

But reality doesn’t do “awful jobs” justice. Movies, especially sci-fi ones, depict careers so horrible that we almost dread our approaching future so we don’t have to be around when these are actual things.

We put together a list of the top 5 worst careers that are completely fictitious yet completely frightening. As you go through the list, hopefully you’ll feel a little bit better about that office job you have right now.

5. Repo Man (Repo Men)

Sure, repo men exist today, but not to the level of extreme as in this movie. Jude Law plays a repo man in a time where artificial organs exist and sold, and he is one of the lucky individuals who are there to collect those organs when their owners haven’t paid the hefty price. In case you were wondering, this means that he cuts out hearts and kidneys from people who are very much alive.

I think it’s great that anyone can purchase a new organ, but it scares me that a person would be in charge of reclaiming that organ as a piece of property. Imagine being late on that payment and wondering when Jude Law was going to break down your door and slice you open. I think I’ll stay on the recipient list, thank you.

Alternate Career in Today’s World: Instead of becoming an organ-seizing repo man, how about a regular repo man? So many people need their stuff repossessed in today’s economy, so why do you have to focus on the stuff that’s inside of them?

4. Rancor Trainer (Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)

I could pick just about any job in the Star Wars universe, and it would suck (except Bounty Hunter, of course, because I want a jet pack). I chose rancor trainer because it doesn’t even make sense to me that this is a job.

For those of you who aren’t oozing in Star Wars nerdy-ness like me, the rancor is that monstrous creature in Return of the Jedi that Luke Skywalker kills with a rock and a door (and the force!). The rancor trainer is that shirtless guy who openly cries after the rancor is murdered by Luke.

I’m already afraid to live in a universe where box jellyfish exist and kill people. I wouldn’t want to be near a rancor much less be in charge of training it. And how does someone train an animal like that? It’s bigger than a house. You must have some pretty amazing Scooby snacks.

Alternate Career in Today’s World: You’re more than welcome to be an animal trainer right now – maybe just focus on animals that can fit through a doggy door.

3. Looper (Looper)

This career comes from the new Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis movie called Looper. It’s kind of hard to explain, so try to follow along. In the near future, time travel is invented but is highly illegal. When criminal organizations want to kill someone, they have to send them back in time because it’s hard to completely dispose of a body in the future.

Loopers are the professionals who kill these people sent back in time. They are paid a lot of money with good reason. The name “looper” means that once the organization wants to end your contract, they close your loop, which means they send your future self back in time for you to kill. It’s a little confusing.

Killing someone is horrible enough, but imagine killing yourself from the future. He or she appears in front of you, and you have to pull the trigger or face the consequences. How do you recruit for a job like that? I don’t think Monster would post that search.

Alternate Career in Today’s World: This one is tough because there’s nothing (legal) that’s close to it. How about working as a physicist and try to invent time travel first instead of committing the weirdest form of suicide there is?

2. Blade Runner (Blade Runner)

This sci-fi world is filled with “replicants,” which are robots that look and feel exactly like real people. Their design only lasts five years, but some develop emotions before then and escape the remedial work they were created to do. Blade runners are the bounty hunter-type people who must track down the replicants and end them.

The worst part about this job is that it is very difficult to know who is human. In the movie, the only way of really knowing is performing a long series of questions. It’s kind of hard to ask a homicidal, super-strength robot to sit down and answer them.

Also, I’d hate to have this job because I would never trust that people I meet are actually people. It would be a horrible way to live!

Alternate Career in Today’s World: Work as a private investigator or a legal bounty hunter. At least that way, you aren’t chasing after someone who could snap you in two.

1. Vampire Slayer (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

I might get some gruff for knocking this profession (from other nerds, I mean), but I believe that just about anyone in the real world would hate to be thrown into this job unless they have a death wish and/or are a psychopath. For everyone who hasn’t seen the show, Buffy is a normal high school girl who discovers that she was predestined to be one of the mighty vampire slayers, an all-woman race that is charged with protecting mankind from vampires.

This is the worst career because not only do you have to risk your life every single day, but also you don’t even have a say in the matter. Buffy is constantly trying to live her own life, but her calling forces her to make sacrifice after sacrifice. Buffy has to live near the “Hellmouth,” which is basically catnip for demons and other supernatural entities, so she can protect everyone who is none the wiser. Sure, she has super strength and other special abilities, but you can’t exactly cash a paycheck from slaying vampires when no one even knows you do it.

I know that these jobs make me feel better about mine, and I hope it’s the same for you. I mean, we don’t have to fight vampires, robots, or our future selves. I think we can count ourselves lucky.

Alexander Diedrick is a television writing and production student at Columbia College of Chicago. In addition to producing and writing for Price of Admission, a movie and television review show for college students, Alexander is a writing intern at myFootpath, LLC.